life in a nutshell

I got a car a week ago today... which is pretty awesome! its a 2003 hyundai accent, two door hatchback. I like it. I have had to learn how to drive a stick shift which has worked out, its getting smoother. Anyway, I have been keeping quite busy with work and the SNAP program i am a (grateful) part of. I just don't think i am talented enough or really belong there. Maybe its just my thoughts today, but i have a hard time even talking to the rest of the cast. Stephanie is great about it all, she's awesome and I love working with her. (thanks!) but sometimes i wonder if i was just a charity case. The others are so talented...

Anyway, so I have a question for you all. What am i supposed to get from this? A really attractive guy you would love to just be able to talk to tells you that you are a splitting image of his sister? "She's a gorgeous girl, don't get me wrong. You aren't an exact twin you just have very similar facial features like your lips and nose..." Ok, so how do i take that? Now all he'll see is his sister when he sees me? or will he just see me as a little sister? who knows, maybe its a good icebreaker to actually just be friends. I don't know but really, i am a little stuck on that one. I almost wish i didn't look like his sister... but oh well. we'll see how that goes. *rolls eyes*

hmm, wow i am pessimistic today. Oh well, its how i feel. Here's to honesty.

ill

there are times i feel good about life and everything. there are times i don't. there are times i just feel sick about it all, ill. I know it won't last but... i just don't know. I feel sick.

living life

so, life is going great, i am looking at things in a new light. I am looking for cars now, hopefully will have one by sometime next week. :D I have my eye set on a Nissan convertible, it is really nice. Its a '94 so its not new, but it is in great condition. And I want to get a car i like, i will treat it better and keep it longer. Anyway, I will update about that as soon as I know more. But other that that, life is good. I need to look into school for this fall, or maybe the winter. I am going to look into scholarships or loans or grants, if anyone has suggestions let me know. :D

thank God

so, life is hard. life is crazy. and I don't know what to do. or how to deal. who knows what to do when its all happening anyway? who knows what life will hit you with next? obviously god, but he's the omnipotent one. not me, thank him for that! I am just me, and weak and imperfect, mortal. I make mistakes, big ones and small ones, but I have made some huge ones it seems. I feel bad because God knew what I would do. He knew I would mess things up and expected me to do this, its kind of a sad thought. I know I can make him proud. I can make him happy one day, but now is time for me to just keep asking for help and forgiveness. I love him and didn't want to let him down. But if he knew what I would do, is it really letting him down? probably not in the big scheme of things, this is all just a learning experience, and I will probably grow a lot from it. I hope I can become a better person from this, but at this point I am at an all time low. I am going to get help. I need it and want it. so I have made the first step. :D Thank you God for helping me through the low times, thank you for giving me hope. And thank you everyone who talks to me and helps me, on this site or in person. I truly need it and am so grateful. I will make it. I will.

I don't know what to do

so, I read back in my blog, and it doesn't seem like I was too depressed all the time or anything, but maybe I edited it. I know that I started a private blog one night I was quite upset, but frankie said it was a bad idea and it would be like hiding things from him. No, he wouldn't have it. So, now I just had to vent publicly, which would mean I had to be positive. or just blog when I was happy. Anyway, I don't know what to do, because I feel so lost in my life right now. I wonder if I would be better without him, and I feel I would be, but I also think that maybe it wasn't so bad and it was my fault I moved out. Maybe we could work through things, or would I just go back to being miserable? I don't know. I am so lost.

Friends

Stephanie M, can you give me your email address? Just so I can invite you, you know? thanks :D

life

I am living at my parents house right now, and its an adjustment. I don't know how things will turn out, but I try to be positive.

hmm

Wow it's been a while, so sorry about that! (mostly to mandee because you are the only one who reads this pathetic blog :D I love you sweetheart!)
Life is hard. Having a job has been better, but it doesn't make problems go away. My cousin, Frankie's best friend, just moved to boston. Frankie was gone for almost six days helping him move out there, and now he's playing halo on the xbox live with him. I am kinda glad he's moved, it will be better for our marriage. He's been best friends with Chase for 7 years now and it's hard when you don't feel the priority, or understood. Plus he's been kind of a bad influence... but who knows, he just brought the "old frankie" out more than I wanted to see. But oh well. Things should be looking up, I have to stay positive.
Autumn

YAY!!!

I got a job, and I am so excited. Now I have something to do with my time! Yeah, I may be just a cashier, but I am really happy to help support our family and to just be able to DO something for a change. I work at the Rumbi's Island Grill that is opening on March 23 on 7th east and 21 south. I am excited. Oh! And now, I get a kitten!!!! YAY ok, so I made a deal with Frankie that when I get a job, we get a kitten... I think that will be really fun. I mean, we both like them, and then we have something else to call our own in our home. I will have to search for little kittens... I just am happy to get out of the rut I have been in for the past... too long! This is a good transition, and I am happy (even if I am bored out of my mind today). Frankie moved his night shift to a weekend day shift. So, now he's gone all day on thursday, friday and saturday, 14 hr shifts. But, at least we are on the same sleep schedule, that is always nice. But, that just means that I am kinda bored all day. I think that I am heading to my parents house in a little bit, and I have to get the courage to ask my bishop if he needs a pottery apprentice... he only lives 2 doors up the hill and for goodness sake, he isn't scary. I am just silly I guess, I don't want to just barge in or invite myself over. I don't know. I will have to come back and let you know what happens.

Still Looking

I have no job. I know. Lame. But I am looking, trying, applying... Why can't I get a job. We need it. But, most of all, I need it to be busy and productive. Then I think I can feel a little better about myself and my life. If anyone who reads this has any ideas, job info or any help, please let me know. I have applied online for like, 20 jobs in the past two days. I have to wait a little to hear back, but the waiting is just not doing it for me. I just need to get one and call it good, I will be busy, contributing and feel like a better person. Anyway, enough complaining.

time

Frankie works three 14 hr. night shifts from monday night to thursday morning. He works all night, and then sleeps all day. I have kind of adopted his sleep patterns, gradually. Not completely, but half way. I stay up late and sleep in, I get so lonely without him. But I do get to take him to lunch some nights, around 8 or 9 usually. It's fun to see him. I love him so much! Anyway, I am just up, watching Law and Order and Cold Case, soon I will be going to bed, hopefully. There is nothing to do with this weird time schedule, it's hard adjusting from days to nights for half of the week. It's crazy! Time is one of the strangest things. I don't know if I will ever get used to time. I'm just not used to it, we don't have time in heaven, and earth is strange. We actually have a time limit, a begining and an end. It's just a funny concept to think about.
Here's to time!

what an evening

Tonight, I haven't been doing too much. It's been a while since I have posted anything... Anyway, I felt like writing tonight. I did the dishes, after making dinner and stuff, I packed my husband's lunch, he works 14 hr night shifts. So, I spend my evenings (at least monday tuesday and wednesday)alone, and then he sleeps during the days. But we have the weekends together, which is great.

Speaking of, this past weekend we traded in his truck (which was giving us serious problems) and got about a $4000 trade in, which was a little more than we owed, which is nice, and then we got approved on and bought a car! YAY! It's a silver/platinum Grand AM. it's a really nice car, it's a 2005 and is in great shape. We got it for about ten thousand, and we are hoping to earn enough and save to pay it off by the end of the year. He'll probably bring up one of his dad's trucks to drive, the '65 ford. THat way we can have two cars, so I can go to work, once I get a job. I am looking still. I hope to get a serving job for evenings and then get a day job on top of that. It'll keep me busy, and we can put a lot away for savings and school, and to get a house. I also need to build my credit, which will be exciting because I don't have a credit history, but the grand am will help that, cause it helps the co-signer as well as the main signer with credit. Wow, it's a lot to think about. Anyway, if anyone hears about any jobs... Let me know. I am looking, but a little help is always appreciated.

So, I think that I am going to touch up our apartment paint tonight. we painted it a couple weeks back, but the corners need help. I think the apartment looks nice, it's a light sage green wall color with white trim. We have yet to get a color for the bedroom and hallway... But I think I should finish a project first before begining another one.

Anyhow, this is my update, autumn's doing good. :D

She thinks my tractor's sexy... with good reason!

Ok, so I am not always depressed. I am so doing a lot better. I love my husband, love my family, love God, and life is good. plus, I am listening to "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy", so that just makes it all better. I also like the song "God Love Her" by toby keith, it reminds me of me and my honey... Talks about how this good girl (preacher's daughter) meets this guy, her mom cried the first time she saw her with him. Now, "She's holding on to me and her bible, on the back of my motercycle... God love her, oh me and God love her." Yeah, I have turned into the "rebble child" so it seems, even though I am sill a good person. Kinda silly actually.

Yeah, I love listening to music, it makes me happy. oh, and I just watched Wall-E. It was the cutest show, it made me happy, I really liked it.

Speaking of things I like to watch, I have discovered a show from a couple kids up at college. It's called "The Big Bang Theory". it's about socially akward genus guys, and I just laugh so hard. They talk about 'star treck', 'halo', 'star wars', superheros, mint comic books, 'lord of the rings' marathons... Oh, it makes me laugh because we all know people like them, and I am like them in many ways. I grew up on star treck, i loved it. And still do, but it's hilarious when they play "Clingon Boggle" and stuff. WOW!!! It's hilarious. Especailly the girl across the hall (a 'normal' person) who is and tries to be their friend. I could die laughing over some of that stuff.
~ megan, look it up. You too candice, it's hilarious. look up "Sheldon's best christmas minisode" and watch. it's like 9 minutes, but I had to watch it over and over, I thought I would pee my pants... You guys would appreciate the gift Penny gives to Sheldon.

Anyway, enough ranting, thanks for everygthing and for always being there for me. I love my friends, you are all awesome!
Love you!!!

*sigh*...

Wow... so I am just depressed. I hate January, it's so cold and dark and snowey and blah. But I will just have to get over it. I feel like I can't do anything of worth. I can't get a job. I can't get interviews. I got one, for a selling business, that I had to pay like, 400 dollars up front to get licenced to sell insurance. Blah. I have skills, I do. I just don't know how to be successful in the real world with my skills. I don't get paid for painting, or drawing, I don't get paid for acting, singing, sewing, cooking, being creative, making friends, talking to people... I don't have skills people want to hire for, or pay for, or even acknowledge in the "real world". By the way, where is this place, this "real world" cause I have some issues to bring to it's govornmental figure. Blah! I don't know if I will ever get there, to the real world. I am so lost, I feel like I have no meaning to my life. It's just worthess. I know, i will be a great mother, a good friend, a great artist, actress singer... but where will it be? Not anywhere where the monehy is made. For all I know, I will be doing community shows for no one to come see. But, guess what, this "Real World" mentality doesn't accept the talents and gifts God has given me as important, or relavent. No, it's go get a real job. Suffer. Find something to do. What on earth am I doing? AAAAHHHHH!!!! I just need an answer to some prayers I guess. I am rambling about a bunch of nothingness but my own insignificantness. I know God loves me, and I am important to him, but I don't know how to live in this world and survive. I feel awful being a dependent, an apendix about to burst. I need to get a life. I can't just rely on my husband to do everything while I am doing what seems to be, nothing.

Why I'm not at church right now...

I woke up very abruptly at three last night... well this morning. Anyway, in a very painful stupor, I crawled out of bed and took two midol, and was awake for another hour before I could fall asleep again. Yes, cramps that kill. It was one fo the worst ever! I then slept in, and our ward meets at 9, and I broke my fast early because I needed food with pain meds. I am now on the couch in a big comfy blanket, blogging, and watching my husband and his best friend (my cousin) play X Box. what a day. But, we are going to read scriptures for an hour this afternoon when I am feeling a little better. Periods just take so much out of me... I am still in pain after two midol at 3 and three ibuprofen at nine thirty. I can't take anything else for a little bit, but I thank my father in heaven for this pain... Because it means that one day I may have children.... even when it hurts so bad now... "This too shall pass" I don't want to complain, so this is my complaining for the day... or week about my cramps. :D
I will just hold church in our apartment.

are you in my pack?

Today, I took a break from cleaning the house, and I wondered, how can one live without another? I am so glad that People live with one another to create families. I would be so lonely if we were creatures who need no pack to live with, no flock to fly with, and no herd to run with. I am glad for people, my friends become part of my family, we take care of one another. Are you in my pack?